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Fall/October/New Leaves?
So it’s a cliche, I know but maybe for right now, it kind of makes sense in my life. I am 20 years old. 20 freaking years I’ve been on this planet; a whole fifth of my life if I live to 100, which I probably won’t considering my eating and exercise habits (pity, but cookies and ice cream for breakfast AND lunch and laying in bed all day in front of the couch will always be worth it). 20 years old and still so afraid to come out of my shell, to TALK, to put myself out there, to be confident and secure and comfortable with who I am, with the things I say and the things I feel and the things I am. A whole 2 decades of life and still the nerves act up and the butterflies refuse to leave and I stammer and stumble over my words and make a fool out of myself, yet again.
I know that who I am, at my very core, is not the person I project to the world. I know that who I am—who I was, during the very early years of my life—is a bubbly and vivacious and friendly and talkative person, someone able to connect with others in meaningful ways, someone able to bridge the gaps that so often exist between people. I know that this is who I am because I have seen the videos and I have heard from those who knew me then and I know, even now, that I identify the most with fictional characters most like this aspect of myself, with the Jackies and the Kellys and Lorelais of the world. I do not identify with the timid ones, the shy ones, the insecure ones, the ones who cannot or will not allow others into their minds and their worlds. That is now who I want to be, not anymore, and it is such a deeply depressing thought that that is how other people view me.
The thing is, up until a week and a half ago I had an excuse solid as ice: I was a teenager. From 10/8/04 to 10/8/11, I was allowed (by myself, obviously the highest and only authority that mattered here) to be whoever and act however I needed because that is what 13- and 16- and 19-year-olds do: they act moody and strange and push people away while they try to make sense of themselves. Fine, we’ll go with that: that’s what I was doing. Alrighty then, everything’s fine, let’s all go on as usual.
Except now I am 20. I have entered the next (and possibly—probably—the best) decade of my life. And I need to do my best to make the best of it. I need to make more friends, which means I need to be friendlier. I need to put academics first and all other responsibilities second—although they need to be a priority and I cannot allow things to slide as they have before. I need to take care of by body and myself. I need to pay attention to my spiritual health, meaning I need to pray, to meditate, to speak to God and trust Him and rely on Him. I need to always always always be thankful for what God as blessed me with, most importantly my family. I need to turn over a new leaf.
October presents the perfect opportunity. It is the month of my birth and the start of my favorite season. It is made of blankets and stars and spices and coffee and orange leaves and apples and pumpkins and the smell of the season; it is meant for leaving summer and its dreams back in August. It ends with two important days: Halloween and Dia de los Muertos. Halloween reminds us that it’s okay to shift identities, to not always be who you are and sometimes, who you were. Dia de los Muertos reminds us that death escapes no one, that there will come come a day when our bodies will be put into the ground and our existence will cease, and fingers crossed that at that time, whenever it is, I will go into the next life proud of this one.
So let’s do this. New Leaves, yeah?
Wed 10/19 2011
Current Idol: Mindy Kaling
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(via yourfavehippie)
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(Source: fuckyeahhappy)
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
End Of An Era - Oliver Boyd And The Remembralls
With 12 days left until DH Part 2 comes out, everyone needs to listen to this song.
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(Source: teenagershateschool)
